So many times in therapy, I hear similar thoughts, “I know I can change her”, “people change and he will change for me”, “my coworkers/ managers are mean, but if I stick with it long enough I know things will change”. How often have you chosen to stay in a toxic relationship with the hope of the other person changing? How often do you sacrifice your sense of peace for the hopes of another person? You strive to be selfless and compassionate, but at the cost of hurting yourself. Are you not a person who also needs compassion?
All too often I have clients who come into my office conflicted on why the other person won’t change and allow them to live in peace. I have also been guilty of this. I too have chosen to remain in toxic relationships whether it is romantic, professional, platonic, or familial and finding me lost in the chaos unable to find peace and break free. I too have felt it was my responsibility and within my ability to change others and have rationalized that this pain is only temporary because I can change the other person and things will be better. As a result, I too, found myself alone, confused, and feeling emotionally drained.
So, let me change your perspective slightly. If you see a tiger approaching you, what would be your initial reaction? Most likely, you will be alarmed and fear the tiger would attack and kill you. Would you be surprised or angry if the tiger actually attempts to attack you- Most likely not.
Now, imagine you see a rabbit approaching you, what would be your initial reaction? Most likely, you will not be alarm but look on in delight as you watch the rabbit move closer to you with little fear that you may be severely injured or killed. Would you be surprise or angry if the rabbit did attempt to attack you – most likely yes.
Why would you be surprised at the rabbit attacking you and not the tiger? It’s because the tiger is acting within its nature. You cannot be surprised or upset that an animal acts within its nature. Will you feel safer if you took the ears and tail of the rabbit and place it on the tiger – definitely not. Why is that? It is because you cannot change an animal’s nature. A tiger will be a tiger no matter what you put on it. People are no different. They function within this same logic. No matter how you see or dress a person, they will act within their nature.
Each of us has a personality that was influenced by our environment or biology since we were infants. This personality is our nature, and though people have the ability to change, it is only the person who can initiate and complete this change. This is outside of your control, you are not responsible for initiating this change, and you cannot force the person to make this change.
What Are You Responsible For?
You are only responsible for YOUR change. You may ask, “me?! Why must I change?”, “there isn’t anything wrong with me”, “I am not the one that needs changing in this relationship”, “I am the victim”… You are the one who has CHOSEN to remain in a toxic relationship. You are the one who has SACRIFICE yourself to control the choice of another person. You are the one NEGLECTING your inner child who already felt alone after all the toxic relationships you have CHOSEN OVER him/her. You have abandoned, and sacrificed yourself because you chose to not accept that PEOPLE ARE WHO THEY CHOSE TO BE (yes, you read that correct- re-read it, and say it aloud so that it really sinks in). But, you still have a choice to change, to choose to show the hurt child within you compassion and selflessness. You can still choose to love and build a relationship with this child so that he/she can release the burdens that they carried through so many toxic relationships. You are responsible for loving and choosing yourself.